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Many times, people see me and think that since I laugh and smile all of the time that my life is beautiful and that I never hit rough patches. Many of those times, people are wrong. A member of my family sexually molested me from when I was around 12 years old to when I was 17. That same member of my family would watch movies that had some graphic sex scenes and/ or nudity. Most of the time, when these movies were playing, other members of my family and I were in the same room, not expecting to get such an eyeful. Seeing what I saw as much as I did opened the door for a spirit of perversion and sensuality to come over me. When I was in the 4th grade, I wrote a boy a note that I wanted to have sex with him. Thankfully, the note was found and I was yelled at before I could deliver it to him. I never actually had sex until I met my first “real” boyfriend. I say real because my other relationships never lasted longer than a week or so. I was with this boyfriend for about 2 months, and was convinced that we were married. He loved me and I loved him, he was, in my mind the best thing that had ever happened in my life. I made the decision to give my virginity to him. I was a Christian at the time, and I knew that it was wrong for someone to have sex before they were married, but like I said before, in my mind I was convinced that we were married, so my conscience didn’t kill me like it should have. After I had sex that one time, the beast of lust rose up inside me and i began to have sex with my boyfriend every other time we were together. I became addicted to it, and it came free. Drugs and alcohol are what most people think of as an easy addiction, but you have to pay to get to them. Sex was right there and I could reach for it whenever I wanted. This continued until I went to The Ramp in Alabama. Karen Wheaton told us that we needed to take what we held dearest and to put it on the altar. I took my relationship with my boyfriend and sacrificed it to God. I left the Ramp a changed person, and broke up with my boyfriend so that I could run after God with everything I had. I was strong and did just that for a week or two, and then another man walked into my life. We went out twice, and on the second night of us being together, I had sex with him. In the Bible, that if a man is freed of one demon, seven more will attack him. I began to have sex with the new boyfriend every night we were together. I wasn’t getting any satisfaction out of it, but I continued doing it anyways. God was still there, though, and he showed me one Sunday at church. I had come in feeling unworthy to even be around people that wanted God and were trying not to sin, when I was sinning all of the time. I laid on my face the whole time and cried out to God that he would cleanse me of all unrighteousness and make me pure once more. After the worship service, the worship leader, who had no clue what I had been doing outside of church, pulled me aside and said “God has one word for you: CLEAN.” Instantly I broke down and cried again. God heard my plea, with everything else in the world that is going on, he heard ME and answered me. I was amazed and instantly my love and passion for God was renewed. I went home and broke up with THAT boyfriend. Not too much longer after that happened, someone new began attending my small church: An attractive guy, that had a passion for God and a desire to run after Him. I was intrigued, and subconsciously developed a crush on him. When I told him about my feelings, he told me that he felt the same about me. We began dating and I was so excited, finally a Godly boyfriend that I could run after God with. My new boyfriend had just been redeemed from a lifestyle of drugs and alcohol, but I thought in my head that if he was redeemed and that If I was redeemed, there wouldn’t be any problems. We ran into problems a month or so into our relationship. We began lusting after each other, and we began following where our lust would lead us. We would feel horrible afterwards, and pray to God in repentance, but then a week later we would fall back into the same rut. Off and on this happened, until we went to the last night of revival at Restoration church in Spartanburg. The devil’s hold was broken on me and my desire to run after pleasures of the flesh was shot down. I was still going out with my boyfriend, though, figuring that since I was rid of all of that that we were alright now. Then Ski Invasion happened, and I felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit again, telling me that I didn’t need to be in a relationship right now, that I needed to devote myself more to God. God revealed to me that even though the spirits of perversion and seduction had been broken off of me, I still had a spirit that longed to feel the affection of a man. I prayed to God for strength and then I went to my boyfriend and told him that we could no longer be together. I left Ski Invasion a changed person, not just in the sense that I was single again, but that God was my souls desire and that I would run after Him no matter what came against me. it’s been about a week and a few days, and a lot has come against me- Satan’s attempts to pull me back down. It WILL be a struggle, but with Christ, nothing is impossible. I WILL rise above this and I WILL be victorious in Jesus name. thank you all for your prayers. Be Blessed! God's love is so beautiful, and time after time after time we deny him. we are just humans, that constantly fall into sin, but God loves us like we are his children, because once we accept him as the Risen Savior and Lord, we ARE his children.
The Lord God hears all of our cries and is ALWAYS there when we need Him. if you're desperate to know something greater than what this world has to offer, then accept Jesus into your heart, and you will be overwhelmed with His awesome power and Grace. Just give Him a chance to reveal His undying love for you, and pray this simple prayer:
"Father, i know i have repeatidly fallen short of what you want from me, and that i have sinned, but God, i ask for YOU to forgive me, to cleanse me of all unrighteousness, and to make yourself a home in my heart. i believe that Jesus, your son, came down to earth and sacrificed himself on the cross to take my sin and make me pure. i know that after dying on that cross for me that he rose fom the dead and is listening to my prayers right now. thank you for giving me new life and sending your holy spirit to help guide me in the way that YOU want me to go. Thank you, Jesus, amen."
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