"Anyway, I'm Sorry"
-Steve Zissou (From Wes Anderson's Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou)
Let me start this with a question to all of you.
Is it just myself... or are the winds of change gusting?
I feel like they are
But I don't feel heartened by this
Nor do I feel disheartened
Honestly... I feel frightened
One thing that most people don't know (or perhaps do know and are just to kind to say to me or talk to me about)
Is that I am a HUGE fraidy-cat
Im scared truly scared of so many things
Failure
Rejection
Letting someone down
Pointless-ness
Some of the only hope that I can muster comes from this verse
Jeremiah 29:11
-For I know the plans I have for you, plans of peace and not evil, to give you a hope and a future.
Plans of peace... plans that give me a hope and a future
Am I too afraid to run and embrace these plans?
Here is a piece of information about me as well
I am a perfectionist
And highly competitive
(the latter you probably knew about me)
I hate when I cannot do something or when I know that I am not going to be able to do it perfectly
So I usually just give up on it
If I have any resilience in my body
I would not quit
And just accept failure
Something that I am incapable of coming to grips with is this
There is ALWAYS some one better than you
At EVERYTHING
Always someone better looking
Smarter
Harder
Faster
Better
Stronger
(ok so now I am just quoting daft punk)
But seriously there is someone one step ahead of you no matter how brilliant you are
I think just admitting that I struggle with that is a step in the right direction
But I do not like it
Which could be a good thing I suppose
If I turn the feelings of failure and rejection into those of determination
To be the BEST I can be
Instead of trying to make myself someone else
"I know I havent been at my best this past decade"
-Steve Zissou
I havent, blaming things on a rough childhood is laughable
My life has been easy comparatively
However
For me it has been tough
And granted it could be much tougher
But it was enough to alter my whole life
I know I have harped on about my brother passing away several times before
But it has been a decade since the tragic death of my brother
Born with a fatal heart disease they performed surgery
And he came out stable
Then hours later
Left us...
What kills me is that I felt like I had failed
I had failed my family
I had failed my brother
Because I felt like it was my fault that he died
Because I did not have enough faith or did not pray hard enough
Or I didnt pray without ceasing
Ever since that fateful day when my parents and I sat at a table in Morgantown
Staring at one another
I changed
I started to fail more
And purposefully
I became mixed up inside
Part of it was that I was already starting to go through puberty
And the other part was that I did not want to understand that
No matter what
I could not have stopped Keric from dying
No manner of prayer
Or belief
Would have done it
He was supposed to live... for four days
And then leave us for a time
Instead of learning from this
I just stopped
And became a shell of what I was prior to this experience
Instead of being who I was supposed to be through everything
I became someone else
A fool
Instead of crying out to Jesus
I turned to things that engulfed my soul
Things that even today I struggle with
However...
I take complete assurance in the next two verses in Jeremiah
Jeremiah 29:12-13
Then you will call upon me and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
And you will seek me and FIND ME, when you search for Me with all your heart.
Even though I admittedly have not been at my best
And I have fallen
And stumbled and struggled with all sorts of things
My heavenly father
My untamed love still finds me
When I search for and seek Him
"I'm right on the edge I don't know what comes next"
-Steve Zissou
I dont know what comes next
The Untamed One knows
He knows every possible outcome of every possible choice I could ever possibly make
But let it be known that I dont want my plans for me
(Whatever they may be)
I want His plans for me
I want Christs Plan for my life to take hold
That means change and it means back tracking a little bit
It also means cutting somethings loose
And leaving somethings entirely
"If we hope to see heaven we cannot keep even the smallest most intimate parts of hell or even earth"
C.S. Lewis (paraphrased)
Secret sins must be left
Fear must be put away
Failure cannot be tolerated anymore...
I refuse to fall...
Get this poison out of my soul
This cancer that is fatal to me
The only falling I want to do anymore is to my knees
The Choir
O How The Mighty Have Fallen
"O How The Might Have Fallen"
Like the snake who calls the lizard a reptile
Like the chimp who calls the jester a clown
When I tell you, You oughta be ashamed or yourself
Ive gotta set my knees on the ground
O how the mighty have fallen
O how the reckless are crawling now
O how the mighty have fallen
Such a long way down
Thank you, please dont swing your shovel at my head, friend
No, I truly wont appreciate that sound
When you tell me I surely should atone for my sin
I hope you know the fate of the proud
O how the mighty have fallen
+++++++
to neater lighter news
8 couples that I know who are getting married
Crazy and beautiful
I guess that is all for now...
Any questions or comments will be loved and cherished!
many blessings much love and lots of peace
~kel
