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Over the Christmas break (I am a college student)I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with God...which is always awesome and definately worth it. However, I realized even more that I am a really sucky person. That's the edited version. Nowadays I try not to use the language that it would take to describe myself. I am extremely lacking in the humility/holiness/love deparments severely(just to name a few). 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always persevers." Yeah! All I can say is....oops! I am not patient, I am not kind, I am envious, I do boast, I am proud, rude, self-seeking, you get the picture. So, I'm pretty sure I don't really love anybody? But don't feel bad...it's not you, it's me(I know it's not funny). Oh, let's talk about holiness. I read an absolutely amazing book about holiness, and yeah, I'm really lousy at that too! The author talked about purging the evil out of our hearts in a way that lot's of people would accuse him of being legalistic. However, he was saying that we don't do this to earn are salvation or to get better standing with God, so he actually wasn't being legalistic. The Bible does command us to purge the evil out of our hearts. Most Christians say that it is legalistic to say stuff like that because they don't want to go through what it takes to purge the evil out! One of the things he said in his book is that most Christians goal is to not sin very much...when our goal should be to not sin at all. He acknowledged that we would never get to the point where we don't sin, but that should still be our goal. I realized that was definately true for me. I even have my own sins that I am ok with me having. Example: gluttony. And there are many others. When realizing that is something I should be dealing with I realized that I have made up my mind to not deal with it....still. I came up with a list of things that I wasn't willing to give up...which is really a list of idols...things that I put above my walk with God, which just showed me how much I really don't love Jesus either. And humility...people have told me before that I am a very humble person because I am not afraid to talk about my shortcomings and failures. Haha...the irony is that the reason I am ok with talking about my shortcomings and failures is because I think so highly of myself that I don't care if you know my shortcomings and failures. You get the picture....even after all the grace, love, and mercy Jesus has shown me I am still an absolutely lousy person. I'm a follower of Jesus not because I am a "good person" or because it sounds nice when I say it. I am a follower of Jesus because He died on the cross to take my punishment for my sins....for me being such a lousy person before knowing Him, and even now. Thank you Jesus for loving me in spite of me and please help me to grow in humility/holiness/love!

In this cold world
I've been all alone
and everything I've had
I didn't care to own
I've learned so many things
that I wish I'd never known
and I've reaped so many seeds
that I wish I'd never sown
But I trust in You
because this world is not my home
So, I have to let it all go
I've held on to it for to long
it doesn't matter that I'm weak
because I know that you are strong
so I try to do what's right
even when my motives are wrong
because You've never let me fall
because You knew all along
To You I belong

You know all the tears that I've cried
and all the fears that I hide
and how many times I've lied to myself
just to gain foolish pride
You know that I tried and I tried
to commit spiritual suicide
I wouldn't let the anger go
even though it was killing me inside
but You held me in Your arms
You wouldn't leave my side
You carried me to the cross
with You I now have died
So, I have to let it all go
I've held on to it for too long
it doesn't matter that I"m weak
because I know that You are strong
so I try to do what's right
even when my motives are wrong
because You never let me fall
because You knew all along
To You I belong

But now Jesus
I need You even more then before
because every single day
Satan comes knockin at my door
I know what he wants
I know what he's lookin for
but he can't have my soul
it's not for sale anymore
so now when I get scared
I know just what to do
nothing in this world can hurt me
when I keep my eyes on You
So, I have to let it all go
I've held on to it for to long
it doesn't matter that I am weak
because I know that You are strong
so I try to do what's right
even when my motives are wrong
because you never let me fall
because You knew all along
To You I belong

I know that You love me
but I can't figure out why
what's in it for You
when You listen to me cry
I know that I'm selfish
I think about myself all day
I ask do this for me and that
every time that I pray
then I tell You all my problems
and ask You to take them all away
but then I think why do I even ask
I'll be ungreatful either way
but even though I am ungreatful
You still give me more then I need
so I continue to ask for more
I'm consumed by my own greed
but sometimes I get scared and think
if God quit giving would I quit asking
then would I forget about You
and that Your love is everlasting
how do I react
when I don't get my own way
do I try to turn away from You
or try to push You away
I know I love having You in my life
but do I really even love You
oh, me of little faith
and I'm short on trust too
I know that I'll never love You
the way that I should
and sometimes I wonder
if I would if I could
but You have forgiven me for all that
why? I don't have a clue
how do You still love me
what's in it for You

but I know that You have forgiven me
because You forgave me from before
for the life I once lived
the life I don't want anymore
pride, hate, alcohol, anger, and lust
but I don't even know why
how was I proud
when I just wanted to die
as far back as I can remember
I've always hated sin
I hated it so much
I let it destroy me from within
I hated the way people treat eachother
so I treated people even worse
then I blamed You because
I thought life was just a curse
I used hate Christians
I tried to turn people away from You
I tried to fill them with hate
because that was all that I knew
I don't blame Satan
or anybody else
when You came into my heart
You saved me from myself
and You forgave me for all that
why? I don't have a clue
how do You still love me
what's in it for You

but I know that You forgave me
because You opened up my eyes
You changed my heart
and made me realize
that You are my God
and You have unconditional love
and so I'll sing praises
to the heavens above
now I want to tell the whole world
how awesome you are
there is no one like You
Your the greatest by far
even after all I've said and done
You still spoil me rotten
and when it's time for my death
I know that I wont be forgotten
I know I can never earn Your love
and that I will never ever deserve You
but I ask, dear Lord,
please allow me to serve You


and so I pray:
Please teach me how to forgive
since You have forgiven me
and please teach me how to love
unconditionally
and please teach me not to be selfish
so I can make other people happy
and please allow me to grow closer to You
because that is where I want to be
thank You God
for loving me