I was born in Petaluma California, the youngest of 2 children. My sister is 13 months older than me. My father was in the Air Force for 20 years and retired in Montgomery, Alabama when I was 14 years old. My mother is from England and met my dad when he was stationed there.
I don't even know where to start to tell about my childhood. There was a time I thought I had a great childhood. I guess it's because it was all I knew at the time. I remember going to counseling when I was married to my first husband and the counselor always wanted to talk about my childhood. I began to realize that my definition of the "normal, average American family" was not reality at all! The reality of it is that I grew up in a very abusive home. Some physical abuse, but mostly mental abuse. It's hard for me to admit it because I don't want anyone to feel I blame anyone at all for the circumstances of my upbringing. It is what it is. It doesn't mean anyone at all is at fault, only that it is what it is. No one is perfect and every kid loves to blame their problems on their parents. Believe me, I know, I'm a parent of 3 kids and have been blamed myself! I won't go into details about my childhood because that's a novel in itself, but I can tell you that my sister and I were not abused because we weren't loved. As I've gotten older, I can honestly look back at my childhood and know without any doubt whatsoever, that my parents love me and my sister as much as any parent can love a child. They did the absolute best job they were capable of doing. I know we actually were the apple of my dad's eyes and he always had the absolute best intentions for us. He just didn't know how to show love and had such an anger problem that he would go off at the littlest things. He would go biserk when we didn't live up to his expectations. He called us names, slapped us, kicked us, even punched us. Now it was by no means a daily ritual, but once is too much! He cared so much for us that he wanted us to be perfect and couldn't handle it when we weren't. My mother lived in fear most of the time and then did things behind his back to try and make up to us what he lacked. This is very confusing to a child to say the least. But, she had good intentions too. What more can you ask of your parents? Maybe if you don't have kids of your own you can't understand this, but as a mother myself, ALWAYS having best intentions, I've failed miserably many, many times myself. By the time you look back and see your mistakes, your kids are grown and it's too late. However, the story doesn't end there. You can either follow in your parents footsteps, or learn from their mistakes.
Well, I can't really explain why I got involved with my 1st husband. It was a mixture of a lot of things I think. First of all, my parents were divorced when I was 16 and this really messed me up. Then my boyfriend at the time, who was my very first boyfriend and my emotional crutch, dumped me for a girl he had gotten pregnant. Then here was this pitiful guy I met that I felt so very sorry for. He had a real real bad upbringing and had been to prison and was only 18. I just thought I was going to give him a chance at life and help him out. I didn't even really like him as a boyfriend. Looking back I think we had more of a mother/son relationship. I was his caretaker. I never stayed with him for more than 4 months at a time because things were too crazy. I'd always go back though because he would beg me and convince me that he couldn't live without me and my heart just hurt so bad for him. Well, 3 kids later I realized I absolutely was facing death if I stayed with him. I just wasn't raised the way he was and my life was so bad that I had to get out if I wanted to survive. I probably would have never left if it was only me, but I just couldn't continue living in such chaos with my kids. One counselor told me that even if I did everything a mother was to do to raise her kids right, that they wouldn't stand a chance with a father like him. So, I left and within 4 months met my current husband.
My current husband was my knight in shining armor. I have never been swept off my feet so hard! He was the exact opposite of my 1st husband. He kept his word and that is what impressed me most. If he said he was going to do something, he did it and did it exactly on time! He didn't care that I had 3 kids and in fact, he said it wouldn't matter if I had 10! It was heaven on earth. We met in October 1991 and were married on Valentine's Day 1992 (4 months later!). Things were so good for awhile, but there were major problems upcoming concerning the kids. He, like my dad, loves them, but can't handle any problems. When the kids became adolescents, they were too much for him to handle and the fighting began! I mean its been us against him since. I always feel stuck in the middle and have found myself doing what my mother used to do to make up to them for his sternness. The kids just got worse. They rebelled and got into drugs and hung out with the thugs and started stealing, fighting, etc...
In early 2003, both my boys (16 and 17 years old) were in the county jail charged with felony theft and burglary. My husband refused to sign the house for bail to get them out and I couldn't come up with the 15,000 dollars to post their 50,000 dollar bail. So every Monday for months I had the pleasure of visiting them through glass at the county jail. Finally one day I asked my husband for the millionth time to sign the house for bail and without hesitation he said yes. I know he didn't want to, but I believe he knew I was about to fall apart. In the midst of all this, my 8th grade daughter refused to go to school, stayed in bed for weeks at a time and never ate. I didn't pay attention until one day she came out of her room and looked like a skeleton and was sitting next to me with her arms crossed on her chest with her eyes closed. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was seeing what it would be like to be in a coffin. I was in my own outerspace state and didn't even reply. The next day I woke up, that conversation re-played over and over in my head. I just felt I needed to ask someone about it. I called a hospital and they said she needed to be admitted immediately. To get her out of bed I had to lie to her and tell her I was going to get her brothers from jail and all of us were running away to the mountains. She jumped up and packed her bags and got in the car. When she asked me where my bags were, I told her the truth. It took her a long time to forgive me for lying to her, but I believe she knows now that I was saving her life. She spent 3 weeks in the hospital for depression. She didn't want to go, but 3 weeks later, she cried at the hospital and didn't want to come home. Yes, things were that bad at home.
Well, the boys got out of jail and one night someone drove by and started shooting at our house. My husband went biserk and threw them out. My youngest son ended up getting arrested 2 more times and was for sure going to prison. My other son was sentenced and got probation and after a few months failed a drug test and was locked up in the county jail. Both boys were back in the county jail. My daughter never would go back to school and would leave home and not come back for days. To make a long story short, my younger son was sentenced to prison, but given an alternative. He could go to boot camp for 6 months and then go to a place called Canaan Land for a year instead of prison. At first he was all for it, but some people started telling him about Canaan Land and he didn't want to go. He was told it was a real religious place where they brainwash you and force religion down your throat. I pleaded with him and even threatened him by telling him I would kill myself if he didn't go. He went to bootcamp and purposely got thrown out so he didn't have to go to Canaan Land. But, the judge sent him to Canaan Land anyway!
O.K. It's starting to get good now! I mean REAL GOOD! The younger son is at Canaan Land. The older son is in the county. I can't talk to either one of them. I call the county and the older one has been put in lock-up for cussing out a guard. I call Canaan Land and am told the younger one is not doing so good and that he has a major problem with his thug mentality and not sure if he's gonna be able to stay. All the while I have no idea where my daughter's at..... The husband is no help at all. His solution is to just throw them all away, wash our hands, and forget they ever existed. Listen, I was so desperate that it almost sounded like a good idea! But, how can you do that to 3 people you had grow inside of you and you gave birth to? YOU CAN'T! He didn't understand this and still to this day doesn't understand....
I get so depressed I go to a psychiatrist thinking he'll give me some drugs...well, my boys friends' moms were all on Xanax, Valium, Prozac, you name it........so, yes, that's what I need. Well, I go and the doctor won't even give me an antidepressent. He told me how good I was doing and that he had patients that weren't going through near what I was going through and they were a mess. I remember leaving that day, in my truck, at the red light, screaming to God, telling him I'm gonna have to get a gun and put it to my head before anyone will listen to me....THAT I NEED HELP AND CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!.....
I came home and like always started arguing with my husband. Whenever he sees me upset because of the kids, he gets all worked up and upset and wants the problem to go away....THEM! He seems to think then I'll be OK! I went in the bedroom and right when I was about to get into the bed I fell on the floor by the side of the bed and for the first time in my life all I prayed was, "God help me...I need you." That's all I could say. I laid there for what seemed to be hours. I felt something I have never ever felt before in my life. I actually felt comforted and that everything would be OK. My thinking started to change that day. I walked around and just imagined Jesus holding me and that kept me going.
I go to Canaan Land on Mother's Day and I can already see a change in my younger son. He doesn't say much, but there's something different about him. He spoke good of the place and said he was glad he was there and felt so much love there. Wow..... what a difference already! Then, the older son gets out of lock-up, calls home, and he's a changed man! He spent 2 weeks in the "hole" doing nothing but reading the bible. He finally goes to court the next week and the judge tells him he's sending him to prison. Then the day before memorial day weekend, his probation officer calls to tell me that he's been released and is walking home. I run out of my work, jump in my car, and find him on Madison Avenue. We go to church that Sunday at Canaan Land and that's the beginning of our new life. God is so-o-o-o good! The boys started doing Christian Rap and Brother Mac even took them on his airplane to a church in Georgia to perform. They've even played at Kenneth Copeland's church in Texas. Oh, it even gets better! My daughter gave her life to Jesus and was saved in January! Here is her testimony she wrote and posted in her myspace blog:
"As you all know my name is Heather. I live in Montgomery, AL. I'm 17...and Life has been crazy! For those of you who know me, you know about my brothers and how they were and with me..the drugs and alchohol...the Ex-boyfriend who totally broke my heart to pieces. Well i'm here to tell you that i've been delivered from all that bondage. See i always felt God in my presence everytime i would do those drugs and eveytime i was with my ex. Its like now i realize but then i didnt but it was only a matter of time before i did, that whole time i was doing all that..i knew i was hearing God speak..whether it be in my head..or through different people...I always heard him..i just didn't want to accept it...i didn't want to let go of the drugs because the drugs were filling my void inside of me but i'm here to tell you that drugs will only temporarily fill a void inside. Theres been so many BAD BAD things happen to me for me to be so young and i was hurting for a long time..always trying to figure out ways to take my life.I just didn't feel any need to be here. I felt like such an idiot because i couldn't find the strength to get away from my ex. I had lost all my friends because i wouldn't leave him..i even felt like i had lost most of my family...but i never lost God. See my brother John has been in this place called CannanLand Ministries and God has just totally turned his life around...well one day it snapped in me..and that day was Christmas Eve...i had been up for four days on drugs...and i talked to John and one of my Pastors..Pastor Seay...i told them my situation and they prayed for me. Well that night i asked God for the strength to just get away from my ex..the drugs..my association..everyone who brought me down. Well it took about a week..and then i get a visit from Pastor Seay and he asked me if i needed help because it was obvious i had been out the night before doing drugs. Well i told him i didn't think i was ready..that i hadn't hit my bottom yet...and he looked straight into my eyes and i felt God when he told me"Heather, don't you know you're bottom could be DEATH?" Well I'm here to tell everyone that was the day that changed my life...God just poured His Grace all over me. I know God was speaking through Pastor Seay that day..and i'm so grateful that happened. God has just turned my life completely around. I can't even explain to you how my whole way of thinking has changed. All my friends are drug free way to be baby! I think back at my ex boyfriend and sometimes i just want to tell him thank you for breaking my heart..you were really a blessing in disguise. Now he has opened up a door for a real man to come into my life...well not right now...in about 3 years or maybe more...i've got to get to know my new boyfriend...for those of you who don't know about him...his name is GOD!!
things to remember from Heather...
"you're association determines you're destination" (Pastor Seay)
The people who bring you down will watch God lift you up
The greatest revenge is massive success
Just because offences may come, doesn't mean i need to be offended
"If you're walking in the spirit then you're emotions will line up with the spirit"(Creflo A. Dollar)
"I'm going to get happy about something thats been hurting me because i've realized if God allowed me to go through this...It must be for my good..He wouldn't withhold any good thing"(Bishop T.D. Jakes)"
...(isn't her testimony awesome? I am so very very blessed!)
On with the story......My oldest son went to court for a status-hearing and was released f rom probation all together 1-1/2 years early! My youngest son only has to report once a month to his lawyer until his fines are paid. No probation or anything! Both of them were granted youthful offender which means they aren't charged with felonies and have no adult police record!
Life for the past year and a half has been heaven on earth! Life will never get the best of me again! If he takes you to it, he'll see you through it....
If all of this wouldn't have happened, then I'd been living my cookie-cutter life, die and be going to hell along with my kids and my husband. Believe me, there are still problems. Lots of them! Life hasn't changed. If I wasn't a believer, I'd think it actually sucked alot of the time. But, now I'm free and my kids are free! None of us are perfect (praying fervently for my husband). Yes, my children and I now have Jesus and our eternity is secured (thank you my Savior), but we still take that drivers seat sometimes and fall flat on our faces.....But, we know that we know that we know that Jesus is right there for us!
Anyone reading this, if you don't have a relationship with Jesus, please consider it..... Look what he did for my family. We are no one special and don't deserve the gift he's given us. We didn't do a thing except believe and receive!!! That's all it takes!
You know, my dad has always told me that he believes in Jesus, but doesn't think Jesus wants us to live as "Jesus-Freaks". I actually always believed that! I believed that people who were all about Jesus were CRAZY and brainwashed. Well, like Brother Mac says, "I needed my brain washed, didn't you?" (LOL) You see, how can you possibly make up your own story of Jesus and believe it? Who are we to just make up what seems right to us and believe that? All the mistakes we make in our lives and we're gonna make something up that determines our eternity and bank on that? I did and I had no clue to anything the bible said. And guess what, even the devil believes in Jesus and knows the bible. It's about the relationship......If you have doubts about Jesus, pray to him and tell him exactly how you feel. EXPECT an answer, look for one, and I guarantee you, you WILL hear from Him!
I can just picture my husband rolling his eyes up right now. He thinks its all hogwash. I read a book called "The Power of a Praying Wife." When I first started reading the book and it said how we have to show them Jesus by our actions and how I was supposed to walk in love no matter what, I threw the book down! I mean that's not fair! But you know what, it is what we are commanded to do and it IS the ONLY fair thing to do! I mean Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice so we could live forever, so isn't it only fair, since He died for us WHEN WE WERE YET SINNERS, that we sacrifice and lay down our pride in hopes that someone will see Jesus in us and desire what we have and become saved!
Now, even though I've been able to pick the book back up, I can honestly say that as much as I try, I still swell up with pride and when my buttons get pushed, I go off! But, that is wrong. We are human. We have to learn to stop trying to do it ourselves and give it to Jesus. He'll change you, I promise! If you're looking for a quick-fix, you'll be wasting your time.
It is so slow, not because of Jesus, but because of ourselves. But, looking back a year and a half ago, He has performed many miracles in my family! It'll never be perfect.....but Jesus will always be there and that's what it's all about! We wouldn't need him if we were perfect. Being not perfect keeps us close to Him.....He's so smart isn't He? It's so exciting to know without a doubt, no matter what the world says or people say, to know who you are in Christ. If you want to know, please find a good church and a good bible and go learn...........My church is Voice of Victory in Autaugaville, Alabama. It's 35 miles away, but it's where I belong and I promise you that if you find a church where you belong, you won't be able to leave. They are my family. I feel that they would lay down their life for me and I can tell you, anyone of them, without hesitation, I would lay my life down for.
Life is so-o-o good with Jesus!!!!!!
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. ~John 3:16-17
Please know that Jesus loves you. Don't EVER feel like you're not good enough for Him or that you've gotta clean up your life BEFORE you go to Him. No, He wants you NOW just as you are! Trust and Let Him change you. There's absolutely NOTHING you can do to get saved. You gotta confess with your mouth that you need him and HE DOES THE WORK...... YOU CAN'T! Sounds simple, but sometimes it's hard to understand at first. If you believe Him, then you will understand what it is you need to do by reading the bible and learning Who He Is. With bible knowledge and prayer, He'll go to work in your heart and perform miracles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When He died on that cross He died for YOU! He died for YOUR SINS! That means He knew EVERY SINGLE sin you were gonna commit in your lifetime! That was 2,000 years ago! So, it doesn't matter what you've done, it's hanging on that cross and has been there for 2,000 years! Isn't that awesome!
And if you're a backslider and feel unworthy to return to Jesus, guess what? He knew what you were gonna do before you even did it! Yes, and that was 2,000 years ago that your sins were forgiven...even the ones you haven' committed yet, but will before you take your last breath. It's absolutely mind boggling, but it's the truth........ He's so good to us. Don't ever feel unloved. He died for YOU!
God Bless all of you. I love you all and am looking forward to the biggest party in Heaven with all of you!
