update 7/26/06- yes this one is all about me-hehehe well mostly
lots of little things
i have decided to read all of the classics and to reread the ones i read when i was younger
i keep running into members of my faith- i will start attending four lakes adventist church regularly soon-
solomon is coming home friday- cant wait
looks like i will be going to d.c. after all in october
i have several new friendships and a healed old one
im going to do research on algeria so i am prepared for jacques husband- when he gets to the states- everyone go to sencoui on my friends and add him he needs all the american friends he can get- and please do not do the ugly american or screwed up christian thing with him-his name is yacine
i am taking the next step in my health management by getting some psychological testing done to determine cognitive problems-
im getting better and better with my eating-leaning hard on fresh foods-
i am half way through my post abortion bible study- it has been mindblowing and helpful- if you think you may need this resource go to healinghearts ministries- they have personal couselors that follow you online and are there to support you
i have decided i am no longer a member of n.a. but i am going to check out the local a.a. scene here and of course this does not change the state of my current recovery
im almost done with my dragonfly painting which i was supposed to post for kelly last week but im slow
im starting to scrapbook- woot lots of fun- if you have scrapbook stuff you want to get rid of let me know- if you have pics of yourself or me and my family to send me please do- with dates if possible- i will archive them
logan will turn 2 on sept 3rd
justin is doing african studies this summer and will be in yoga along with his other social work classes this fall
thats all for now- love to all
The white mourning
In front of the crowd
Brought into the light
All the twitching irritations
Wriggling like a lost infant
In the heat of change
Die to myself you unscrupulous vermin
Die to myself you beast of mind
On the open street
Shoot the broken thing dead
Remake these new lands to form
Of conscience
Baptize me in stars
Relinquish the night
Roll me in your golden fields
Visit my sons
Love my sisters
Heal my men
Overeasy genuflected heart of mine
Kneel this old punk in the rows
Dodging your childrens bullets
Reaching when it kills me
A savage complicated love thing
Shells drop
Tinkling remnants of their pain lord
Pinned and tied for all to see
Bound and naked
Running cripple
Face turned towards the eastern skies
In the pause before the stain
My soul of many colors
Bends by design
the birth of rebeckah
I WAS BORN IN WOODLAND CALIFORNIA- OUTSIDE OF SACRAMENTO JAN 5TH 1970- MY FATHER WAS A "CHARISMATIC CAREER CRIMINAL, HE WAS A TALL CURLY HAIRED BLONDE GUY" THAT LEFT MY MOTHER AT MY GRANDPARENTS DOOR WHEN SHE WAS 8 MONTHS PREGNANT NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN-
MY MOTHERS SIDE OF THE FAMILY HAD THEIR SHARE OF INSANITY AS WELL- ACCORDING TO THE GENEOLOGY I COME FROM GENERATIONS OF SLAVE OWNERS - THAT OWNED PLANTATIONS ALL ACROSS THE SOUTH AND EVEN MANAGED TO KEEP SOME OF THAT WEALTH UNTILL THE GREAT DEPRESSION-
BACK TO MY MOTHER- SHE WAS INSTITUTIONALIZED AT A VERY YOUNG AGE-AND IT WASNT DETERMINED UNTILL AFTER 200 SHOCK TREATMENTS THAT SHE WAS BI-POLAR- BY THEN HER BRAIN WAS MUSH- SHE DECIDED TO PACK US UP WHEN I WAS 2 AND HEAD FOR SEATTLE-
WE MOVED TO CAPITOL HILL- WHERE I THEN ENTERED INTO A SERIES OF FOSTER HOMES ON A REGULAR BASIS BECAUSE MY MOTHER WAS SO UNSTABLE- THE POLICE WOULD OFTEN FIND THAT I HAD BEEN LOCKED UP IN THE HOUSE BY MYSELF FOR DAYS ON END- AND OF COURSE THERE WAS THE TIME MY MOM DECIDED I NEEDED TO TAKE A BATH IN JELLO WATER-AND SHE NEEDED TO GO BATHE WITH THE HIPPOS AND ELEPHANTS AT THE CITY ZOO-
WHEN MY MOTHER DID HAVE CUSTODY OF ME SHE WOULD OFTEN LEAVE ME WITH THE NOTORIOUS "LOVE FAMILY" THAT HAD A COMMUNE HOUSE ON QUEEN ANNE HILL IN SEATTLE- WHERE I WOKE TO A GONG- WOULD KNEAD BREAD DOUGH-AND BE SUBJECT TO ALL THE ENTIRELY INSANE PRACTICES OF A BUNCH OF DRUGGED OUT HIPPIES-
IT WAS IN THESE EARLY YEARS THAT I REMEMBER BEING MOLESTED BY MY MOTHERS CONSENT- AND SO BEGAN THE FIRST YEARS OF MY LIFE- TO BE CONTINUED
rebeckah part 2
when i was 8 i was sexually abused by the man on the corner (where the troll is holding a vw bug today under the bridge in the freemont district)- i told teachers and neighbors- of course they told my insane mom- she accused my step father - it follows him to this day even though he never hurt me in any way-
i was put into a short term foster home once again- i lived with an older woman named mrs. savage s.w. of the u of w-this is my first memory of deep depresion-
one day i walked down to the water ( a section of the puget sound) and i decided to wade out into the water- i was up to my chest and bam! a drop off- i didnt know how to swim- yes your life does pass before your eyes- i dont know why- but it does- the volleyball team on shore made a human chain out to reach me but i was too far- finally a young girl jumped off from the docks to get me- i bit her hand the whole way back to shore- she later went to the olympics or so i heard-
i was so alone
weeks of quiet went by and finally a caseworker came to get me- she explained to me that they had run out of places that would take me- i slept in the welfare office for a few nights- then a home opened up- i was driven to beacon hill-
i was greeted with excitment by a single mom with many foster girls-i liked the place instantly-things went along smoothly untill it was time to go back to school-i had to go to the doctors for a check up before school- i was in the room with the doctor and my mom when the doctor started reading my chart outloud- " female, 9 years of age, caucasian............" i heard nothing after that- caucasian? was i sick? WHAT WAS CAUCASIAN, WOULD I DIE FROM CAUCASIAN?!?!-
i was terrified- i didnt say word one till i was in the car with my mom- i then asked her if i was to die of caucasian- she started laughing hysterically- she tried to explain to me that my skin was a different color than hers- i was confused- dear audience you need to understand that untill i was nine i DID NOT SEE COLOR AT ALL-it had to be pointed out to me- my mother went to great lengths to explain to me what this meant but i was just distraught that i was caucasian and looked different than my black mother, black sister and mexican sister- she actually made us all look in the mirror to see because i just didnt get it-
then it slowly dawned on me that i was white- and so i entered a predominatly black school i being the minority- and of course there was a ton of reverse discrimination- it was also at this time that i learned about slavery- i hated the fact that i was white- to this day i still do to a degree-i was miserable for a long while- black culture became a magnificent fiber of my life that i wanted to keep- even at 9 i knew this-i didnt care about how people looked at us in the stores as a family- i found it amusing- much of who i am today is because i was molded by a strong black woman- and that makes me proud- later when i turned 12 i would become THE FIRST WHITE TO BLACK ADOPTION IN WASHINGTON STATE-
to be continued
rebeckah part 3
Ok where did we leave off- i turned 12- oh boy thats when the big trouble started- i discovered drugs and alcohol oh and of course punk rock and clubbing music- looking back i can see that once i hit puberty i was a full blown bipolar- but of course no one back then really knew what was going on with all that when it came to young people- i went from soul music to the stooges in about a month with the help of a much cooler kid than i who was from California-
When i turned 14 the train really got going- before the song was even out i got caught smoking in the boys room-got dumped by my first boyfriend who was into u2 hardcore- i had an insane crush on what turned out to be a gay guy- went to a school dance and flipped out- beating up the vice principal and the school supper-
Thats when i started my long journey of running away and going into institutions-
I first ran to seattle several times- lost my virginity to an idiot in a creek bed in the middle of jan-then later was finally raped by what i now know was a pimp that i had met in downtown seattle- i broke into churches- slept in parked cars-rode the train-panhandled-and finally made my way to san Francisco- where of course i ended up with a crush on a drag queen- and once again had no clue a pimp was trying to turn me out-
My mom sent a private detective to find me and there was some confusion- i ended up in the adult population of the jail - which in no way was good considering my cell mate kept looking at me like i was lunch- they thought i was 19- i had been picked up for of all things vandalisim - i was drawing with chalk on the street corner-
I was flown home in cuffs and promptly put into another foster home-then an institution- it is all a big blur really- but i do remember being shot full or thorazine and put into 5 point restraint and then of course pissing on myself-
Currently listening :
Dummy
By Portishead
Release date: By 17 October, 1994
